Something Big and Red

When Ryan and I returned home after watching the AMAZING Las Vegas Bowl game, there was something big and red on our porch - and it wasn't Santa! Someone had left a HUGE red box on our porch while we were watching the game. We had our suspicions, but had to open it to be sure. It was so big, it was wrapped in one (or possibly two!) of those disposable plastic tablecloths! We started pulling things out of the box - all presents wrapped in red wrapping paper! As we unwrapped, our living room turned into a sea of red, much to our dismay. Here is a run-down of the contents (all extremely red): a gas can, a garbage can, a toilet brush, two red lamps, a colander, measuring cups, measuring spoons, a peeler, ketchup, an apple, a jar of maraschino cherries, a box of tinsel, two sippy cups, a box of Christmas ornaments, a candle, a bag of Twizzlers, a bag of cinnamon bears, a blanket, five plastic plates, thirty clothespins, fifty plastic cups, and a University of Utah hat!

Ryan kept saying, "It looks like a big red tornado hit our house!" Our living room, at least!

We knew immediately who it was! Enclosed was the following poem (with very red pictures):

'Twas the week before Christmas...

Santa was desperately tryin'

To justify gifts

For "Snippety Mel" and "Precocious Ryan."

Their stockings had been hung

By the chimney with care,

But did they deserve presents???

St. Nick just had to be fair!

He'd made up a list

Even scrutinized it twice,

To see if he could ignore their past practices

And label these two as "NICE?"

When in Bountiful, they're OK,

But when they sojourn to Provo City,

Their values become contorted

By disciples of "Cosmo...the Kitty."

The revel in miniscule football successes

And think it's just dandy

To give humble, meek (yet extremely good looking) Utah fans

Yucky "BYU" candy. (Actually it was somewhat marginal.)

They become pious and cocky

Quasi-arrogant too,

Hence no elves of Santa

Are allowed to wear blue.

That's why from the sole of his shoes

To the top of his head,

Santa will always...YES ALWAYS

Dress only in RED.

Red's the color of beautiful roses and cardinals,

And tasty strawberries too,

And just what kind of anything

Is colored "Goofy Blue"???

Blue apples? Blue cherries?

"Hey, how 'bout a blue steak?"

Blue tomatoes? Blue lipstick?

Boy, wouldn't that look just great?

And so my dear friends

This old issue now falls dead

Could you now please apologize deeply

To us who bleed red?

If you do, I'll tell Santa

You two will cease to be mean,

Perhaps he'll release your presents

From his North Pole quarantine.

But I wish you a Merry Christmas

And know, despite it all,

That Linda and I love you...

So bring us some freshly-baked oatmeal cookes with some blackberry Shasta soda!

You guys will always be my faves!

************************************************************************

(Of course, our friend, JERRY, tried to pass it off as someone else. But naming Linda kind of gave it away!) ;) Refer back to October and November's posts for additional explanation.

I must admit, even through the torture, we value our friendship with Jerry and Linda. So, on Christmas Eve afternoon, Ryan and I dressed in every bit of red clothing we could find (Ryan even put the Utah hat on his poor little head), and we visited the Davies, bearing oatmeal cookies and Shasta.

(Note: Rumor has it that there was a photo taken of Melanie and Ryan in all red, including aforementioned Utah hat. If such a photo ever existed, it has surely now been destroyed.)